Marital Warfare

My 3 Year Wedding Anniversary was a month ago. 3 years of wedding bliss means that I don't really know a whole lot about marriage. We are still technically wet behind the ears, but I do know from 7 years of dating  the same woman and witnessing good and bad marriages around me, what it takes to have a long fulfilling union. I want to dedicate this blog to all of my married friends and my friends who are inching towards marriage with their "boo thang" (as I like to call them), I call this blog, "Marital Warfare".

In the world of Kim Kardashians and Kris Humphries, marriage may seem like just something to do.

"Oh, we've been on a couple of dates, and I think we are cute together so lets get married, not knowing anything about each other, but just because it seems like the cool thing to do" OR

"Well, we've had sex a couple of times or I've gotten pregnant, and just to right the situation, I think I will marry this person" OR

"Even though I don't love him or her, I could change him or her and grow to love them"

Basing a marriage on theses foundations will leave you on the next edition of "Best of Divorce Court"

I dont believe in divorce in most instances (I'll get back to that later). I also dont believe in ignorant marrying either! Ignorant marrying are the examples I gave you above. Marrying somebody because it's cool. Marrying someone because you're having sex with them. Marrying someone because you think that they will change after time. Marrying someone because all of your friends and family have gotten married, and you don't want to be the odd ball out.

Now to avoid the "ignorant marrying", you have to do some ground work. When you're dating a person, you really need to learn about a person. If your boyfriend/girlfriend just wants to hang out in big groups or go to a movie, where no communication is happening, you may need to reconsider the whole marriage thing. Find out what kind of family they come from. Divorce maybe something that is common to them. Maybe they come from a family where they say "I love you" all of the time, and they are all touchy and feely, and you come from a family where the only time your parents touched you, was when you were getting your backside lit up. This could be a conflict of interest. I recommend the following book...

"Before the Ring" By William L. Coleman

http://www.amazon.com/Before-Ring-Questions-Revised-Expanded/dp/1572931337

This book has questions that will help you get to know your potential spouse. 

 I felt like I did enough research on my wife, to determine that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. We dated from 03' - 08'. Was engaged for a year and some change. We saw each other's bad side and good side, we knew that there were going to be some conflicts with our marrying each other, but it was all good for us. 

I know people who are miserable in their marriages. Happy in every aspect of their life, but when they get home to their spouse, it turns into marital warfare. Why put yourself through the torture? I tell my boys that I would rather my wife cheat on me with 1,000,000 men (without me finding out) then to go home to a wife who nags and argues non-stop! I believe in peace and tranquility when I get home from work. Of course, my wife and I will argue (who doesn't), but if you implement this next word, arguments will not last long and your commitment will be more fulfilling.....

RESPECT        

Aretha Frankin wasn't lying when she sang that she wanted respect when her man came home. She cooked, cleaned, took care of the kids, and the least her man could do was show her some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. But this respect thing is something that has to be shown by both parties. You may have a man come home to an Aretha Franklin who is disrespectful. When arguments lack respect, you have more hurtful things that are said. When respect is shown, parties usually come to an agreement a lot faster. Just think of it as a math formula (sorry Im an accountant)

Disagreement - Respect = Heated Argument

Disagreement + Respect = Disagreement

You and your spouse may never come to an agreement but love will not be lost. When respect is lacking, words are said that may just sting the 1st time, but after a while, its going to have you considering divorce court. Sometimes throwing a 3rd party in the mix like a counselor or shrink could make you or your spouse see the argument from a different view. 

Above I said, I don't believe in divorce. I don't believe in waking up one morning, and saying "I've had enough, see ya later" or "We've grown apart over the years" or "the kids have graduated high school, and I don't want you anymore". I'm just speaking about myself now. I'm not the type to judge any situation. I've explained to my wife that when adultery gets involved, she or I will have to go. The bible says forgive, but forgetting would be the hard part. It would be days of worrying where your spouse is. Checking phone messages. Questioning their coming and going. I can't live that life! Once the trust is gone, love will soon follow. So as long as my wife and I stay faithful to each other, its going to be a long long marriage. 

Every marriage is different, but if you take the time and put the groundwork in during the dating years, the marriage will be very fulfilling or you could be dodging a bullet  People change over the years, and sometimes you have to adapt. There are tons of topics that I will delve into in future blogs, so stay tuned...

Signing out,

Fatdreek